Tuesday, May 10, 2016

I Have a Homeless Parent



My mom is homeless.

Did you know that if you google “coping with a homeless parent”, nothing comes up? There are a few forums with people talking about their parents who are dealing with substance abuse, but that is about it. That was reassuring.

I found out on Sunday. Mother’s Day. It also happens to be “Mental Health Awareness Month”. Whatever that means. Don’t worry. I am acutely “aware”. 

She has always been ill and my siblings and I recognized it at an early age. We knew that she was bit eccentric and we saw her forging my dad’s names on paperwork. Having our car towed once every other week was pretty standard. About once every other month a car would park outside of our house and my mom would make us close all of the blinds because “they are watching us”. To this day I can’t handle having blinds closed.

She was a good mom, however. I remember her as fun-loving and affectionate. She showered us with hugs and kisses. She was intelligent and encouraged us to do well in school and to read. She nurtured our imaginations and told us to always believe in ourselves. She told us that we could be anything we wanted. She instilled lessons that served me well throughout my teen years and into adulthood, but periodically she would have random irrational outbreaks and these only got worse with time.

When my parents divorced, I was 15. My coping skills were at an all-time high as I had been dealing with my mother for some time at this point. Their divorce didn’t phase me, nor did it phase my next eldest brother. We anticipated that eventually the weekly irrational freak outs would get old and dad wouldn’t be able to stick around anymore. We didn’t blame him. We would leave too if we weren’t minors. 

My little brother was 4 at the time, so my brother and I stuck around to make sure he was okay. We alternated caring for him as my mother’s mental illness didn’t allow her the ability to cope. We each got jobs after school so we could help pay for basic needs for him. Mom went from an unstable person in a stable home to an unstable person in an unstable home and her crazy antics got worse. She started stealing more. Yes, more. I mean more in every sense of the word. My brother and I would have to explain to her why stealing was wrong and she would lose it. She would ransack our bedrooms and steal money that we had earned from our minimum wage jobs. I specifically remember forcing her back to the store to return items she had stolen, like I was the mother and she was my 5 year old child. 

She became very verbally abusive to me as I was the only daughter. She consistently told me how worthless I was and started a rumor within the neighborhood that I was a whore. Our relationship did not flourish.

Eventually, we all left. My little brother moved in with my dad and my mother relinquished custody without a second thought. She became a nomad for a bit and left Utah abruptly leaving her crashed, leased car and all of her furniture at a rental home with no intention of coming back.

I remember going there to clean it up and collect her things. It was like entering the home of a hoarder and it was very apparent that her illness was not getting better, but worse. 

She met a man in Texas and they ended up living together for about 7 years. Her erratic behavior calmed down for a little while. They moved to Seattle and lived together until he cheated on her, or she him or who knows. I can never get a straight story.

She floated from job to job. Lived with friends. I think she even became an identity thief for a little while. She decided that I and my two older brothers were no longer hers. She “disowned” us as we do nothing to help her. 

She won’t answer our phone calls. She won’t answer our texts. We are part of the world that is “out to get her”. 

My little brother lives in Washington and he informed me that she has been sleeping in her car. She has nothing to her name. 

Now I have lost it.

My mother is a malicious, vindictive and selfish individual. She has no reasoning. She is not medicated and refuses to see a shrink. I have spent my life learning and understanding boundaries as she is toxic to any life she touches, always having an ulterior motive. 

I have a good life. I have spent my life trying my hardest to be the best that I can despite her, but she is a cloud that hovers over me and every few years she storms. I never know when or what it will be. She is unpredictable, however; this is the first instance in which her “storm” does not involve hurting someone else. This seems to be the culmination of her decisions, ultimately resulting in no place to live. With each storm, I feel as though I am slowly watching my own mother die right before me and I have no control. She is no longer the loving and quirky woman who raised me, but has morphed into this selfish and paranoid individual who inflicts pain on all around her. My brothers and I cannot take her in. She would destroy us….

But, how does one cope with a parent who is homeless? She deserves basic human needs. What does she do all day? What if it is cold? 

I explain all of this because life isn’t as easy as just taking her in. If we sent her money she would squander it. If we put her up in a hotel, she would stay there until the last day and then yell at us for not giving her more. 

I explain all of this because I hear people complain about panhandlers all of the time, but I could see my own mother doing the same. I believe that the statistic is 75% of all homeless people are mentally ill. This includes individuals with substance abuse as they are often self-medicating. So perhaps, have a softer heart when you see them.

I explain all of this because I am at a loss. 

I explain all of this because writing helps me cope and I cannot accept, as the internet implies, that I am the only one dealing with this. 

I explain this because I slept in a warm bed last night and she most likely did not and I don’t know what to do with that information.

I am not looking for sympathy or empathy. Please spare me your “I’m sorry” and REALLY spare me your “Just love her and pray for her”. God is not part of this plan. If you want to pray, that is fine. However, 35 years as my mother’s daughter and 17 years in the medical field has taught me that miracles are not a thing and that science is. My mother could be treated with medication, but she chooses not to. If that offends you, I have bigger concerns in my life and you are allowed to be offended. 

I want people to know being aware of mental illness is fine, but also know that not everyone is treated. 

I want people to know that we are not what happens to us, but how we react to what happens to us. Having a parent who is mentally ill does not mean that you cannot have a wonderful life.

I write this because it gives me something to do besides cry myself to sleep, grieving the loss of my mother to her illness yet again and ultimately trying to accept that, this time, there is nothing that I can do.

I write this because I want someone to know that mental illness is a thing and if you are dealing with a parent with a mental illness, you are not alone.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

This Week and Man Bobby Pins

So, you know how men complain about hair ties and bobby pins creeping up all over the place? Manfriend is a carpenter and I find these everywhere....


This week was a bit lacking in the workout department. I could not for the life of me get up early to run (I usually like to get up around 4:30 so I can get it out of the way). I was running after work and I didn't lift at all...

Here is my week:

Sunday: 10 miles at a 9:17 pace
Monday: 3.6 miles at a 9:22 pace
Wednesday: 6.43 miles at a 9:20 pace
Friday: 4.28 miles at a 9:25 pace
Saturday: 4 miles at a 9:14 pace
Total Miles for the week: 28.31

It was an off week, but I am okay with it. This week is a new week and I already spent 45 minutes at the gym lifting today.

Here are some pics from my week

There is a pumpkin contest at work....what the Trumpkin?!? This is a Hilary Original.


Pumpkin Drop Cookies. One can of pumpkin, one box of spice cake, chocolate chip cookies (and two scoops of vanilla protein if you're summy). Put them in the oven for 12 minutes at 375 degrees. YUM!


 I eat these sometimes, because bomb.com. Check my awesome nail polish work. Nails by Summy. Sad thing is this is the paint work from my dominant hand...you don't even want to see the right hand...

The average temperature at my work desk leaves something to be desired...


I'm thinking maybe I won't kill this plant at work after all (I kill plants, it's a problem)


Magic Mike XXL came out. Why buy one when you can buy one for your bff too? Also, BEST. MOVIE. EVER.


I had a migraine most of yesterday and could barely eat. FUN! No pic, because I don't need to scare anyone. 

My Garmin took a big fat poop. The GPS stopped working and so did the pedometer. It wasn't making any noise either. I took it back to REI and upgraded. This puppy is synced to my phone, so I get texts on my watch...and emails...I might change that.

I read this article earlier this week and it touched my heart. I absolutely love it. Wouldn't it be great to start something like this is Salt Lake?

Homeless Runner Finishes Twin Cities Marathon

I hope everyone has an awesome week! Do something fun on this Sunday Funday and don't forget that you're awesome. Be good to you this week!



Sunday, October 4, 2015

Pizza Pajamas

I went to Target today and found these.....

If you are wondering what this is.....it is a pair of pizza pajamas. I hardly eat pizza, so why not WEAR it?!? I didn't buy them. I am trying this whole "smarter with my money" thing and it would be difficult to justify "Pizza Jam Jams" on my expenditure for the month. It took every last bit of will power that I had not to walk out of the store with this Pizza Pie Treasure. Willpower at it's finest.

I ran 10 miles this morning....it was supposed to be 12....yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you saying it is just 2 extra miles, but I got 10 miles in and I'm okay with it. I ran it in 1:32...not the best time, but you win some, you lose some.

Speaking of winning some, I was looking at some previous posts and noted that I mentioned I was registered for The Revel Big Cottonwood Full Marathon. I changed it to the half. When it came down to it, I had to listen to what my body was telling me. It was saying "NO!!!"

I did the half


I PR'd as well. 1:38. Pretty stoked about my time. My goal for 2016 is a sub 1:30.

After my run this morning, I walked Tia and Pogo. They barked at everything....



I read some of this book, which I am loving.


Lazy man's (or woman's) veggie stir fry with tempeh and white rice. I made this for manfriend's lunch tomorrow because I'm the best girlfriend ever. He is flying in around midnight and will be getting a taxi while I dream of The Boston Marathon and calorie free chocolate cake. He may also get a ride home from an Uber driver named Chuck (are they all named Chuck? Seems like it..) He will be too tired in the morning to make his own hot lunch....or is this considered cold lunch?


Here comes the lazy bit....


Pre cut veggies!

I ended the night with Fixer Upper....because....well, BEST SHOW EVER!


I also cleaned. EXCITING! I didn't take photos of that because it seemed a bit lame. I will next time if you want me to....but that also has me concerned for the level of excitement you have in your life.

Tomorrow is Monday, y'all!


Babe is at the Beach

Manfriend went to Amelia Island (that is somewhere in Florida) to see his brother and mum. I was unable to go because of work (once a nurse, always a nurse). I asked him to only send me photos of how horrible the beach is and how miserable he is without me. These are the photos we sent each other.


Let's talk about this jacket. I wore this 100% of the day yesterday. I biked and then put it on...showered and then put it on...went back to the gym to lift and then put it on again. So, don't get distracted by how pretty it looks because I am pretty sure it was covered in sweat all day. It is the COMFY-est (not a word?) hoodie/jacket I have ever owned and you can find it here.

It even has a little pocket on the left sleeve for carrying....small army men....or change.....or candy.....or an ID (that last one is probably what it is for).



I went to Wasatch Running Center yesterday and made this small discovery.


Starbucks + Running = Brilliance.

I have been craving a pumpkin spice latte, so I bought this and I am hoping I don't cry from disappointment. Also, check out my awesome robe. Nothing says "I'm 34" like a polka dot robe...this is how people in their thirties party.



I went to Wasatch Running Center to place flyers for The SLC LUNA Chix LunaFest. If you do not have tickets, you should sign up here. It is $20 a person, $15 for students. You can also get a flyer at Wasatch Running Center and buy shoes or running apparel because they are a nice bunch of folks.

What is Luna Fest, you say? Oh well I thought you would never ask.

I am part of the Salt Lake City LUNA Chix Running team. We are a team sponsored by LUNA Bar. Our goal is to encourage women within the community to get/stay active while also raising money for The Breast Cancer Fund which is an organization that is committed to the prevention of Breast Cancer. We have a clinics every Monday night. This Monday we are running from Athleta at City Creek at 6:30 PM. You should be there if you have lady parts....because ladies only.

The LUNA fest puts on short films made by women, for women in an effort to raise money for The Breast Cancer Fund. We are hosting this on October 16th and 100% (Yes, a hundy) of the proceeds go to the charity. There will be giveaways, food and fun films. You should come because it is awesome.

Happy Sunday, y'all. Stay Classy! This except coffee.




Saturday, October 3, 2015

Remember That One Time....

Remember that one time that I started a blog and then I stopped writing on it? Maybe I should start writing again.....

I love to write and I also find that I am more accountable for my goals when I put them out there....into the abyss (aka the internet world).

So let's go over what is new while I drink my morning coffee with a headache and swear to never drink wine again for the millionth time (I get a headache even with one glass).

I set a goal at the beginning of the year to run 12 Half Marathons. I am 3 half marathons away. I have run a total of 10 races, but one was a Ragnar. It was my first Ragnar and I was invited on the team last minute, but it was probably one of the funnest experiences that I have ever had. The van I was in was full of hilarious, upbeat people. I don't know that I will do one again because I will 100% expect for the van experience to be duplicated and I don't think that is possible.

The next races I am registered for are The SoJo Half Marathon, The Saltair Half Marathon and The Thankful 13.

I am sad that I won't be doing one in December, but I live in Utah and it is cold and there will be snow and manfriend and I will be leaving for 9 days to see these beautiful people.





Yes, I included myself  in with the beautiful people. Don't judge me.


I've been thinking a lot lately about my running and my weight lifting. Prior to setting all of these 2015 running goals, I was lifting 5 to 6 times a week. Now I lift 2 to 3 times a week and I rarely train legs because I am petrified of over working my short stems. I have definitely lost some muscle mass and this has been a really hard concept for me to accept. I love both sports SO much, but the reality is that I work 50 hours a week as a nurse. I can do both and I constantly have to tell myself that it is OK that I have lost some muscle because I am still strong and I am STILL lifting.

I was playing with the idea of competing in bikini again next year, but I don't know that I have the heart to go through the dieting again. I am really enjoying being able to decide my own training schedule, although I may need someone to put my diet in check. I've decided to start writing everything down so I can evaluate what I am getting too much of (sugar, most likely) and not enough of (vegetables, I bet). I DO get plenty of coffee....because.....

 

My legs are puddy today. I have run 27 miles this week. I was going to run 12 miles today, but I think I am going to lift and bike instead so my "running muscles" can recover a bit and I will run those miles tomorrow.

I am already looking for races next year, so if any of my 3 to 4 followers know of any that are early in the season, I am all ears!

Happy Saturday, everyone!





Saturday, August 22, 2015

For My 4 Followers.....

It has been awhile.....like a year or something.

Just like anything else, there have been ups and downs in the life of Summy. I have continued to run. I am registered for the The Big Cottonwood Marathon on September 12th.....I may opt to change that to a Half. I think the Half is my sweet spot.

I am back in neurosurgery at the University of Utah which I L.O.V.E.

To summarize the past year, here are some photos with small amounts of information about each. Just enough to keep you informed, but small enough to keep you curious....

I ran this trail



I went on this hike with these ladies




My PR for the year, thus far....this is my 7th of these this year


I ran a Ragnar. I won't do it again, because I don't think I can find another group of Van-mates that are this fun to hang out with






 I ran through Tulips, but mostly a golf course




I ran this trail

I vomited in that bush...or one just like it



I am part of Beast Pacing


 I went to this place




And this place....




It snowed on my birthday....in April




I ran down some canyons




And sometimes I run alone...hence the poor selfie....




But I did find a running partner in the early mornings in the winter




And I want a job at Clif Bar....so, if you are looking for an Occupational Nurse....





 Of course, there is also manfriend




And that Vegas girl's trip that must be repeated every year...


This gorgeous Triathlete




These weirdos



And More and MORE races!!




Oh....and I started running with these ladies.

More coming....stay tuned.

Monday, August 4, 2014

Some Running and Some Biking

6.21 miles yesterday morning following a 13 hour shift at the hospital. I came home, took a shower and then passed out for 5 hours. Not working night shifts anymore is not going to suck. On that note...

I got a new job! I applied to the University of Utah Neurosurgery Clinic over a month ago and I was offered the job on Monday of last week. My new work schedule will be 'normal'. I will be working Monday through Friday with weekends and holidays off which means I will get to go back to getting up at 5:00 AM to get my runs/cardio in. Manfriend is very excited for this because he LOVES my alarm in the morning. I don't start until August 25th, though because manfriend and I have had a vacation planned for almost a year now that we leave for on Saturday. We are going to go and see this....Crankworx

I am very excited. Chris won't be racing (I keep getting asked if he is), but here is a picture of how cute he is when he does race in case you wanted to see

Speaking of bikes, we did this on Saturday


Sometimes I like to look like I am about to break into a dance in a photo (I don't know what is going on with my leg). I look just as dedicated and badass as manfriend, right? Also, don't let that smile fool you. That trail wasn't easy....at all. In fact, I may never do it again.

Maybe I should just leave the mountain biking for the mountain bikers and the running for the runners. Speaking of which, my friend sent me this...